When I was a child, I remember one of my favorite songs was, If It Don’t Fit, Don’t Force It, by Kellee Patterson. That song came out in 1978 and I could not have known what they were talking about at such an early age because if I had, years later, I would not have stayed in my marriage as long as I had. Actually, I don’t even know if I would have gotten married at all to the man that fathered my three boys. I mean really, in the three years before we even tied the knot, I had gone through an obstacle course full of red flags. As if it were yesterday, I remember pulling up to the church where we were to have our shoe string wedding with my soon to be mother-in-law and our two kids in tow. I can’t remember what we were arguing about, but I do distinctly remember my ex-mother-in-law saying, “y’all sure y’all wanna do this?” If I had known what I know now, is the phrase that comes to mind right now.
But how could I have known? I was only twenty-four and thought I was doing the right thing by getting married to the man that fathered one of the two children that I had then. All I could think of was, if I marry him, God would fix everything. He’d make everything right. Wrong! “God bless this mess,” was the prayer that I prayed often. But in my experience, God doesn’t bless mess; at least He didn’t bless mine’s. I was a good wife; really. I went to work everyday, made sure the kids were properly fed and clothed, and even though I wasn’t an A-plus housekeeper (that’s what maids are for), I did however take care of my business in the bedroom, if you know what I mean. My husband didn’t have to worry about me running around on him. Our entire marriage, I pretty much stayed at home with the kids, so he basically ran the streets with a piece of mind as to my whereabouts, while he was out doing his dirt.
Marrying someone with an addiction is like signing yourself up for a life full of distress, disappointments and dis-ease. “But I love him, and love conquers all,” bullcrap! That’s the lie we’ve been led to believe. Oh, it sounds really great, but take it from me, love does not conquer all. Being a lover through and through, the love I had for my husband and every guy since him, should have been enough to keep everything together. Not! I’ve learned that when loving, you need to make sure that the person you are giving your love to, is even capable of reciprocating the act itself. It’s one thing to say I love you, but if there’s no action that backs that up, then those are essentially empty words. And the act of love-making, if that is indeed what occurs in your bedroom, does not prove one’s love for you. Being compatible in that area is one of the reasons we stay involved even when the rest of the relationship is falling apart.
In closing I’d like to say that when you’re truly in the market for attracting someone you’re considering building a solid relationship with, make sure that person is as close to a fit as possible. Trying to fit a square into a rectangle has never been possible unless you have a hammer as a tool and even after it’s finally inside the irregular space, the original shape is destroyed.