BBWO: BLACK BUSINESS WOMEN ONLINE

What To Do, What To Do?

This question won't be going anywhere any time soon. As long as there are people with rushing hormones, this is going to be an issue. Many will blame the animal in us (particularly men - sorry fellas- smile); others will blame our histories; still others will create their own philosophies.

However, there are some things I have noticed that I don't see anyone else discussing. For example, anatomically speaking, all the reasons that sex is good for marriage make it bad before marriage. Research has shown that during the sexual process, hormones are released into our brains that are designed specifically to facilitate emotional bonding. Yes, emotional bonding does have a significant chemical component. If, in fact, this is true - it would go a long way toward explaining why it is ofen so much more difficult to break up with someone we've been sexual with. Even if we believe we didn't particularly enjoy the experience, the associated hormones tend to leave a lasting psychological imprint, if you will, that tends toward bonding with the object of the sexual connection. Unfortunately, this can happen in positive as well as negative ways.

Another significant consideration is the fact that the human brain functions much differently under the influence of infatuation/sexual arousal than it does otherwise. Science has shown that areas of the brain mostly responsible for logic and rational judgment are largely short-changed of blood flow under the influence of infatuation/sexual arousal. I heard a saying once - when you're on your back, you lose your mind. There is scientific basis for the truth of this saying. Essentially, that means that you are literally incapable of comprehensive rational thought during sexual arousal. The creative and emotional brain centers, however, are sent into overdrive. On average, it takes about 90 days for this phenomenon to subside to the point of returning brain function and blood flow to normal levels.

While sex before marriage may give you insight into your partner's sexual performance habits and/or preferences, it will also tend to set you up to emotionally make connections that are virtually guaranteed to fail. The more sex you have; the more connected you become to your partner and/or the act of sex itself; the less rational and more emotional you become - anatomically. Most people have little knowledge or understanding of their own biochemistry with regard to this issue. Unfortunately, ignorance does nothing to change the dynamics and you will live with the consequences whether you're aware of them or not.

That's a major reason why so many new relationships typically don't make it past 90 days; why people look decidedly different to you after the orgasms are over than they did before; why so many people believe they "can't help" who they "love", etc. My advice to adults is to use your dating experiences as information gathering missions. Don't get too emotionally attached before 90 days have passed and make sure that you can comfortably walk away at any time. I have more suggestions, but that's another blog. :-)

One of the easiest and best ways to avoid painful and unfulfilling emotional attachments is to avoid sex until after marriage. By then, you should have a good and objective view of the kind of mate your partner would make and you can make a much more rational decision about whether or not to continue to marriage. If you don't, chances increase exponentially that you will stay in a bad relationship far longer than you need to and you'll tolerate conditions that sap your soul for no other reason than the sexual connection.

Speaking the truth in love,

Deidre

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