part of chapter six of my book
MY WALK FROM THE DARKNESS INTO THE LIGHT
BY LAKEISHA DAVIS
LOSING MY WAY
I basically tried to take the easy way out by killing myself. What I did on this nightmare of a day was gathered up my kids, took them to the room we had been sleeping in, and put them all to sleep. I took an overdose of some pills and some other medicines I had around the house. When I took all these meds I went downstairs and sat at the table. As I sat I cried, my daughters aunt came where I was and tried to see what was wrong. All I could do was cry, I then got extra weak and fell to the ground. As I fell, I felt I needed to get back up the stairs to be besides my kids as I passed away. So I used all the strength I had and went back up the stairs and locked the door. By this time my daughters aunt called 911,because she knew something was seriously wrong with me due to the way I was acting. While lying across the bed I went in and out of consciousness, all I could hear was someone saying ‘open the door‘, I could not. I was too weak. I had felt so numb all over, even in my heart. I felt so shallow and useless. Lying there silently, all I felt was wood chips hitting me because they had to kick the door open to get to me. At this time I felt even angrier because I wanted them to just let me die. I felt that I was not wanted anymore by anyone. As they carried me to the ambulance, I felt my body shutting down on me, and I got weaker and weaker. As I was in the ambulance riding to the hospital, all I could do was yell inside and out because I had allowed this pain I was feeling to take over, when I should have taken it over. It is a sad thing to get that weak in life, to want to die and not care who gets hurt in the process. Once we arrived at the hospital, my family was already there, but they had to wait outside the room I was in worried to death, not knowing if I would make it or not. But see this whole time, dying was not on gods agenda for me.as the doctors pumped my stomach, I still was angry to see that someone cared enough to try to save my life,challenging the lies I told myself that had put me here in the first place. Once the doctors did what they had to do they talked to me and said if I had not gotten there when I did, I would have died. I realized that it was not up to them if I made it or not. As they asked me questions to see why I did what I did, I sat quietly and was mad at myself for wanting to just die. Once they were done my family came in to see me and to pray over me. I was so mad that they wanted to do this because I was just that angry. When I saw the hurt on my family’s faces, it hurt me so bad. Even though this no good man did not love me the way I wanted him to, my family did, and that really is all that mattered. It was just that I did not acknowledge that or let them show me because I separated myself so far away from them, and it hurt me to be this way. But I figured I did not want to bring them into my problems. Now that I look back, I should have allowed them to be there for me the way they wanted to. The sad thing that I have to admit to is I called myself being mad at God, but he had nothing to do with me wanting to hurt myself. It was Gods grace and mercy that kept me alive. This made me realize that god loved me so much that he allowed me to stay alive. It all boils down to God had to much unfinished work to do in me. As a result of my suicide attempt the hospital wanted to keep me for observation. They thought I was crazy, but in reality I was just a woman scorned by a no good man, I had to let them know I would never do this again, especially after God had spared me. It hurts me to even know that I allowed my hurt and pain to take me to the point of wanting to die and not even caring if my kids were hurt in the process.See,no one can love your kids the way you love them. The whole time I was at this hospital, my daughters father did not call to check on me, and that made me really open my eyes and realize I did not need him in my life ever again. Once I was released I went back to the house with my kids. They ran to me and hugged me as if they knew I was hurting. As I sat there with them I knew I had to leave this house, he was going to be there. So that next day, I left there and went to my mom’s. Even though we were crowded, we still were happy there. I had to realize too, that if a man pushes you to the point of wanting to kill yourself, then he is not worth having. You can do bad by yourself. If you have a mate in your life that makes you not want to live anymore, not even for your kids sake and family, then hurry up and rid yourself of that mate. Your family is far more important than that. Take it from me, I know from experience, the hard way! We all deserve a mate who wants to see us and our kids happy. Never let one bad experience stop you from loving again! You have to realize that when a person goes threw life hurting people, he or she will get it back one way or another. it’s like this, when choosing a mate, you need to make sure that he or she can be your friend as well as your mate. If anyone has ever tried to take his own life, but did not manage to succeed, then that means the lord is not through with you yet. Whenever it gets to this point in life, pray to God for him to see you through. You have to realize that your life is far more important to try to end it over nothing. I feel like if God has not ended it, why should you. You have to realize to that it is not up to us who will live or die. That is all in Gods hands therefore, we need to be accepting of Gods will. If it was up to us who lived or died, it is sad to say,but there would be a lot more dead people in this world.